I want to unburden myself of some heavy thoughts on women who complain about their inlaws.
Somebody else can write a post on men who are fussers.
This one is for the ladies, because I am pretty well convinced that women's complaining can absolutely destroy a family. The collateral damage is then often permanent, or at least very slow and difficult to heal.
When my husband and I first married, I had the same temptation most other women have to pick away at the habits, tastes, food, holiday traditions.....you name it....of my in-laws. I think I might have thought that I could pull all his loyalty over to my camp by enlightening him to the shortcomings of his ancestors and his home country.
Jon very wisely told me to just cut it out, as they were not only His family, they were now My family.
The result of this is that I have a really lovely relationship with my in-laws. All of them.
By not complaining about them and by purposefully looking for the best in them, I have really learned to love them. Had I complained about them on and on for the past 17 years, I would certainly have built up such a stockpile of reasons not to be kind to them, that there would be no harmony at all between us now.
And as some of this family are growing older and in need of extra doses of respect and kindness and understanding, I am so thankful for habits of respect and kindness with them.
These make it less difficult to figure out "What is the best way to love them in this hard time....."
As wives, if we complain to our husbands about their parents or siblings, if we try to "help" by shining a brighter light on the failings and inconsistencies of the ones who raised them and prepared them for life with US.....we are destroying the fiber of their families. One thread at a time perhaps, but we are destroying it. The casualties of this will be elderly parents who don't receive the best care, and also our own children who don't have that blanket of loving family. And when it is the turn for those children to look after us, how lonely we will be if we have trained them to complain and criticize the family?
6 comments:
So good, Missy. Solid advice!
Reminds me of the Jews wandering in the desert. Didn't take much to set their hearts back towards Egypt. "We'd be better off...", fill in the rest. Complaining is at heart selfishness. Patient enduring adversity,- well, now, that's the hand of God on earth, is it not? The question is, will we love God and reflect his Grace or keep our eyes on ourselves? Would that we did not need wander for 40 years and eventually exhaust ourselves in the wilderness, when God has promised to do all the heavy lifting!
Well said!
To take things a step farther . . . If that HABIT of respect and kindness were applied to ALL of our relationships, what a difference it would make in our lives!
As usual, Missy, you've made some wise and insightful observations in an "easy to swallow" way:)
wow, great post.
I think that we need to keep the Proverbs examples in mind. Things like "better on the corner of the rooftop, then in a fine house shared with a contentious (quarrelsome) wife" and "...the foolish woman tears [her own house] down with her bare hands".
While this can also be applied to men, men are described in proverbs as being the one more likely to lead the household into a head on collision with an oncoming vehicle, so to speak.
It's also important that we notice what solomon says about the wise, Godly, submissive wife. It says that she tends to the house, and is industrious, and constructive, and maintains order, and that people all around will admire her, and in such a way, she will bring honor and respect to her husband.
There are many ways to be quarrelsome, and contentious, according to their defined uses in proverbs, and this is perhaps the easiest to identify.
Men can apply this to their submission to those in authority over them. although a man will generally not go after his boss complaining about (the boss's) parents, he can come home at night and complain to his wife (which, I might add, will NOT help her in her struggle against complaining), he may make fun of the way his boss does certain things, he may complain about high taxes, etc,... that is not submission.
Doug Wilson said, in his explanation of the events at the end of the book "the Last Battle" that the chivalrous way to address someone evil/inexperienced/unfit who is in a position of power over you, is to either shut your mouth and go somewhere else, or run him through, but never to grumble or call names. (Eustace was shouting names at the dwarves after they shot all the horses, and Rillian rebuked him).
This was meant to be applied in a medieval sense. Today, we can either leave the place where we disagree so strongly, or we can speak up and fix it.
most of the time, though, the best idea, is to shut your mouth, and look a little closer.
Every one can see problems, it's just our programing.
I would also add that your comments apply to ex-spouses. Especially when that ex-spouse is the father of your children. A lesson my children taught me! You still have to deal with that person with respect and care.
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